This article is about my journey into exploring who I am and what is most important to me in my health and wellness journey. 

Retreat, Rainstorms & Restoration:
My Journey into Silence

The Storm

My journey into silence began on a super nasty, stormy July day in upstate New York. I had committed to venturing off in the woods with no phone, watch, or food. My intention was to get to know myself without any modern-day distractions. The rain is never-ending, and after many phone calls between my worrisome mother and her sister (my aunt), I find out there is a tool shed that can protect me from this terrible downpour. I had planned on really immersing myself in nature and sleeping in a tent, but the weather had a different plan for me; fortunately, I was going to stay on land owned by my aunt and uncle and they had this shed. This was meant to be.

For this journey, I opted to not bring food and too fast for these two days. I felt the process of planning what to eat, preparing it, eating it and cleaning were all pieces of what I considered to be a part of my everyday routine and would take up more time and distract me from sitting with myself. In retrospect, I am glad I made this choice because it really allowed me to be even more uncomfortable with just me and nothing else.

Picture this: a blind guy (me) and 4 seniors, my parents, aunt and uncle, all above the age of 70 driving in a minivan on a washed-out, muddy trail to drop me off in the middle of the woods.  It is pouring, and getting dark; we are all crammed into this van to attempt this drop-off. It is quite the scene, and I am feeling anxious and excited to jump out and get this started. After the short time, it took to get my gear into the shed, I was soaked from head to toe from the never-ending downpour. Off to a great start.  After traveling down, the washed-out road to my camping destination, I was ready to dedicate the next two days out in the woods to unpacking the many washed out years of my adult life. The adventure begins…

My Journey

To truly understand why I embarked on this experiment, we have to go back many years. Since as long as I can remember, I have always kept myself busy and/or distracted myself from myself. Being silent, being still and just being makes me uncomfortable. My journey has been riddled with 25 years of heavy drinking, recreational drug use, and countless hours of television, Netflix, video games, movies, and any other distraction that could take me away from just sitting with myself. Fast forward to the present: it has been over 3 ½ years since my last drink and so many things have changed. I now see how much alcohol played a role in distracting me from being with myself. Since that last drink, I have continued to feel that I am getting closer to realizing who I really am. I have found many tools to help me, but I still felt something was missing. I follow many practitioners and hear stories of silent retreats, but because of the past year – covid/lockdown – it has been hard to find anything to participate in. I woke up one day and remembered my aunt offering for me to camp out on her land. Bam, there it was. I decided this was the next step for me to find a few days where I could go and start to get to know myself for the first time. 

What did it take to get there? As I have mentioned, for me, quitting drinking was the first step for me to get to where I am now. It took me 3 ½ years to decide that going off in the woods with no phone, food, people or schedule for 2 days was a good idea . When I stopped drinking, I still needed to include things in my life that kept me busy and gave me a purpose. I have been studying health and wellness ever since that day and it was not until recently that I also saw that as a pattern; I recognized that I always had to have something to do, or a place to go. I am constantly filling my time with working out, making food, and taking classes. I have kept to a schedule, all day, every day, for years. I realize more each day that it is not what I do that defines me rather who I am. Finding peace within myself and just having the ability to BE and not DO all the time feels more like the person I want to be. 

Meditation, breathwork, exercise and journaling have transformed my life. I have implemented these transformative tools in the past few years which have allowed me to lean into this space where I would even consider going off into the woods with nothing but me. I have studied nutrition leading me to alter my diet and value exercise. I have worked to be very mindful of my body and my personal needs. The working out and eating components of change have been relatively easy. Shifting my diet and workout routine took time — a lot of time, but both diet and exercise had more practical approaches that I could wrap my head around. My lifestyle choices with food have gone through many stages: experimenting with raw foods, whole-food plant-based, paleo, keto and as I write this, I am currently exploring an exclusive carnivore diet. My disciplined approach to eating and my curiosity to learning what works and does not work for me continue to drive me to explore optimizing my health but also to be able to help others in the future as they embark on a dietary shift. Adding in the other pieces that involve being with yourself, quiet and patient, were a struggle. I have been meditating, doing breathwork, journaling, eating healthy along with fasting, and dedicating myself to being mindful for the past two years. All of these have played a major role in how I could commit to two days in the forest with nothing but me.

The Retreat

The day I was dropped off I had already eaten two solid meals, and I was dropped off and settled into the windowless tool shed by what I assumed to be around 6 pm. Due to the consistent downpour and the dark clouds, it was pretty much dark at this point. I had brought a battery-powered handheld radio and a standard deck of cards. (C’mon did you think I was going to just sit Indian style and meditate the entire time?!! ) Some of my stuff was soaked, so I did my best to hang things up and set up my sleeping arrangements. I had the shed door open and listened to the rain come streaming down. I busted out the cards and played a few hands of solitaire, and then found myself in a small chair next to the door, just watching the rain and being still. The darkness came soon, and I wondered to myself what time it was (the radio stations refused to tell me!). I have consistently kept a daily routine, a bedtime (11 pm), and a general time of when I get up (6:30/7 am). I never use an alarm, but I usually follow time very closely throughout the day. Here, I was with no watch, wondering when bedtime was. After some time, I finally decided to start winding down. I popped out my journal and started writing about the experience so far and how grateful I was for my life, my family and this opportunity to be with myself. I then crawled into my sleeping bag and did my nightly meditation, today without the help of my guided app. I normally sleep with a white noise machine or a fan, but those items did not make the list. This evening the hard rain became a natural sound machine, and also created a space for my mind to play some games. The noises varied and I found myself tossing and turning creating stories in my dreams of what was going on outside. Ironically, I was here for the silence but the sounds of rain and the woods certainly added a whole different dimension to my experience. 

Morning came, whatever time that was. I did not sleep all that well and it basically stormed all night. I woke up and followed my morning practice: a breathwork meditative flow, followed by a glass of saltwater, my morning meditation and then my gratitude journal. I felt good, but slightly anxious, wondering what now? This was my only full day, and for all I knew, I woke up when the sun first came up. There was no way to tell because I was deep in the woods with no horizon. I found myself in a space of wondering what am I going to do? I sat for a while, then played a few hands of solitaire. I turned on the radio for the first time to see what I could pick up. I found myself listening to public radio for a minute and realized that I would never listen to that when home, wondering why I found it necessary to listen to it now. I came to the realization that I find connection extremely important in my life.

Connecting to others has always been something very important to me and I guess having that connection to the real world through a handheld radio provided some comfort and relief from the solitude. I found myself judging myself and turned off the radio, stepping outside and taking some deep breaths. The rain was basically done and I figured, at some point, a walk was in order. I was slightly hesitant to walk out to the main road for fear of running into anyone that I would actually have to break my silence. I had to do something and I did not want to wander off into the woods too far and deep without any way of knowing where I was going and how to get back. I just knew I had to do something. I took a long walk and was gone from my campsite for an hour or so and returned feeling a bit accomplished. I realized that actually doing something made me feel better, and when I did nothing, I felt very unproductive. I busted out my journal and started writing about it, noticing that I was once again uncomfortable with just being with myself without actually doing something that filled my day/time. I sat with this for some time and then again found myself reaching for the radio and the deck of cards. I said to myself, how much writing, walking and meditating can one person do in 17 hours of the day?! After some time, I decided that I was going to build a fire. This was productive and fulfilling, but it was also very relaxing and allowed me to sit in one space and enjoy being out in nature. As I got the fire going and maintained it, I reflected on how blessed I was to be out in nature and have this fire and shelter. This evening, I had no rain to occupy my mind during; the quiet of the woods and the various random sounds would echo through the tool shed. I would reassure myself that this was all a part of the experience and to settle into the beauty mother nature had to offer in the still summer night. I felt connected to nature and yet slightly anxious by the unknown. 

Time seemed to stand still. I wondered what time it was. I watched as the wood was almost gone. I thought to myself, for the 100^th time, “What do I do next?” I recognized these thoughts, addressed them, and moved on, telling myself, “There is nothing next. Being here with yourself is all you have to do!” There was more journaling, some cards here and there, and popping on the radio. The day seemed so long, but then all of a sudden it was pitch black. At this time, I found myself wide awake and scrolling through the radio to try to figure out what time it was. I eventually heard a weather warning talking about tornados and flooding and they actually, for the first and only time, mentioned the time. That gave me some relief knowing that it was probably late enough to start winding down. The rain had started up again, and I went into my wind-down mode: brushing teeth, doing my evening gratitude journal and then posting up on my yoga block for my evening meditation. I slid into my sleeping bag and told myself that I was proud to have made it through this day. 

I woke up after some restless sleep with no rain to cut out the silence of the woods. I seemed to wake up after every little sound I heard. I went about my morning practices and then spent the remainder of the time I had left really unpacking what this experience had been so far. I found myself looking out into the road, like a dog staring at the door when the owner leaves, waiting to see if my aunt/uncle were coming to get me. I was not anxious to go, but I knew at some point they were going to show up. I spent most of that day journaling, playing a few hands of solitaire, and finding a radio station with some dance music and busting out some moves. Upon my aunt and uncle’s arrival and hearing their voices, I spoke my first words in almost 42 hours. It was strange to hear my voice, and this feeling washed over me of overwhelm and relief. It was hard to hold a conversation, but quickly things got interesting as my uncle went to get his car and found himself stuck in the mud. The next 15-20 minutes involved me and my aunt pushing the car out. “Welcome back to the world of the living,” I told myself. My aunt and uncle drove me back to my parent’s house where I found my sister from Atlanta who I had not seen in over 2 years, her family, another uncle and my cousin at the top of my driveway. My solitude was over and reflections on my journey would have to wait. It was full-on connecting with family from that point until the next evening. 

Reflecting

I am writing this about two weeks after my experience, and honestly, I am still unpacking and learning about myself from my time alone. It took me having a few conversations with some peers of mine, fellow coaches, and their excellent skill of powerful questioning that allowed me to see how much I really did accomplish. I found myself still seeking out ways to stay productive, noticing that when I did that I felt “better”. Staying connected is very important to me, and my need to turn the radio on provided some comfort – but I also found myself saying, “Why are you turning the radio on?” Showing myself grace and gratitude were constant throughout this two-day retreat. Through this experience, I learned that all the distractions in my life made me feel disconnected from myself. Removing those distractions in the hope to once again connect to myself and find the time and space to really get to know myself has helped me to truly appreciate who I am and what I have to offer myself. 

Exploring what it was like to not have anything to do or anywhere to go and still be able to feel that everything is okay was challenging to say the least, but I am looking forward to the next opportunity to try this again. Did I have some distractions? Yes, intuitively I must have known that being this was the first time I have ever attempted something like this, bringing the radio and cards would give me a buffer in between cell phone and computer to absolutely nothing at all.  What will I do differently? Next time, I will leave the radio behind and probably the cards. I will find ways through journaling, reading and meditating to really dive deep into exploring what I am made of. Self-growth is forever, and what happens one time does not mean that it will happen the next. Each moment we experience is new, no moment is the same. 

Your Turn?
I wonder what you are thinking while reading this? Are you saying “I couldn’t do this,” “How would I ever find the time?” “This sounds miserable.” I am sure each of you has a different feeling and reaction. This is what I did and how I will continue to explore what works for me. This does not have to be what you do. This is about connection. Connecting to yourself: mind, body and soul! Finding ways to break away from all the busy-ness in our lives. Connecting could be starting a meditation practice, walks after work, taking a bath with calming music. Whatever it is, just take the time to sit with it and feel the space you have created. Life moves so quickly and oftentimes we never take a step back to really appreciate who we are and what is most important to us. Finding tools to do so can allow us to really step into who we are and what we value most. What will be your first step in connecting to who you are and what you want?